I don’t write personal posts often, but I feel compelled to write this one just in case my experience can help some of my friends, clients or even just random people searching the web.
Let me also say that if you read this and decide that attacking me is a good idea or try to place judgments your comment will never be acknowledge or published.
My Child
My youngest son is now 9. Since kindergarten I was told my kid was incredibly smart and irritatingly lazy. This calm and lovely child didn’t do so well in school. This surprised me because I knew he had an amazing capacity for memory and adult conversation. I also knew he had a temper and an intenseness I had only seen once before (in myself as a child).
My oldest son is 11 ½ years older than his younger brother. So when my 2 year old would play a video game with his 14 year old brother and could remember the location of his favorite “20 extras” (out of 30) in the settings without being able to read I knew he was amazing. However this didn’t transfer into school. Teachers didn’t understand why he was agitated, why he refused to do work he didn’t like or why he argued points that most kids would never consider.
In second grade his teacher kept telling me he was so smart, but just wasn’t interested in working; she kept saying he needed to focus better. His birthday is in July and because many parents held kids back (for all the reasons parents do today) he was often more than a year younger than most, but he was able to understand and memorize the work…he just didn’t want to do it.
Last Summer
I had surgery last Summer and I rested a lot. I was able to watch him more closely and realized that his focus was not there. I contacted a respected Psychologist and asked her for some help. She tested him for all learning disabilities, IQ and ADHD. The good news was his IQ was extremely high (I don’t even tell people because I think they will not believe me), but he had severe ADHD (attentiveness being the problem, not hyperactivity).
I had my son tested in a machine that scientists at Harvard (I believe) created. My son can focus for 2-3 seconds max and then you lose him. I paid an arm and a pinky toe, but I made sure the diagnosis was correct.
Both my degrees are in the psych field so I thought I could handle this. Guess what? Severe ADHD is not easy.
Guilt
When you finally realize that your child’s behavior has been completely normal for someone with a high IQ and ADHD you aren’t really relieved. There is a tremendous amount of guilt. I punished this child because the teachers recommended it…kids have to learn to do their work. This is true, unless they just can’t. Kids don’t need to question the whys of everything and argue with teachers and adults they say…respect and all. I understood the recommendations of educators. I just didn’t understand him. His mind runs circles around many adults I know. (He is now learning how to question, when to question and how to not offend.)
I told the psychiatrist that I felt awful that I didn’t see the attention issue sooner and he said that I shouldn’t because most people don’t get it until their kids are doing horribly in college (remember this for later). He said severe cases are picked up in elementary school around the age we caught it. I still felt awful.
Last year from I would say August through October I was extremely depressed because I felt like a horrible parent. I, more than anyone, should have known because I had a degree in psych, right? Well, here is what I know now. If you don’t get educated on just ADHD you won’t get it. If you can’t observe it un-medicated and medicated you won’t get it. I have learned so much this year.
Roller Coaster of Meds
My son showed symptoms of anxiety as well and ADHD meds tend to increase anxiety so medications were chosen carefully. At first he seemed much happier, but he didn’t sleep for two weeks and then the anxiety attacks started. Cross off med #1 and jump on the coaster. We had meds that made him sick, gave him bathroom issues, made him tired, didn’t allow him to sleep, thirsty, hungry, not hungry, dizzy, turned him into a zombie, sad, angry…the list goes on and on. (This isn’t the case for everyone; we were just unlucky?)
From last August until August of this year my child has been through hell with an up and down roller coaster of meds. So why did we keep trying the meds? Because they worked and once my son felt the “focus”, he should have always had, he wanted it so badly that he didn’t want to quit.
He fit in better with the kids and he had lots of friends and he was happier in some ways. He has lived through hell this past year and we have been right there with him. Exhausted, sick and broken-hearted that he just can’t have it as easy as everyone else. Many nights I wanted to go to bed and just cry, but I was out so quick I didn’t get the chance.
The Doctors
Our psychologist is an outstanding person. We were surely blessed by God with her. The 1st psychiatrist was script happy. He would prescribe and prescribe without much concern for what my son went through. I tried to trust him, but eventually I saw that his concern was testing and not what my son needed so we walked away.
If you are ever in our position please watch these doctors closely. Question their motives and fight hard for your kids, because there are doctors who don’t place your child’s best interest at the top of their priority list.
Finally the Light? If it Sticks…
My son’s psychologist went into the school before it started and sat down with all of his teachers and explained how he felt. She explained the low self-esteem from feeling different and judged, she explained the hell he has been through and she explained to them how he deals with things when he can’t focus. His teachers this year have been outstanding, understanding and helpful.
I have to say that when teachers get it and they have a heart that makes a massive difference and can be just as powerful as medications. My son is in a private school, I won’t say which for his safety of course, but I will say that if you are in a situation like ours you have to make sure your school “gets it”.
My son had a rough Summer this year experimenting with two more meds that made him so sick and tired…they just didn’t work. Our new psychiatrist suggested we try Ritalin. I heard all the horror stories and I thought that if this didn’t work we would just forget the whole thing.
For the first time EVER my son is attending school, completing work and getting A’s on just about everything. He finishes his work before the others a lot. He even had the highest grade in the class for the first vocab test…he is doing amazing and he is happy. It is like a miracle, BUT with the happiness comes abdominal pain he has to deal with daily. It isn’t easy, but we are hoping the physical side effects will improve.
My Year
This past year has been exhausting, heart-breaking, educational, and has bonded me with my son in a massive way. He needs an advocate and he needs someone to understand, that is my job. If you ever end up in the same position I am in I can only say to you that I am sorry. It is going to be rough, it isn’t easy for anyone in the family and challenges will keep coming, but you can make it. You just keep pushing even when you are so tired you think you can’t take another step.
Irony
Earlier I mentioned to remember what the doc said about people finding out about ADHD in college. So, it is kind of funny, and also not funny, that in August my older son’s college called about his Summer semester to tell me that they think there is a possible learning disability. My oldest has struggled in college. He always thought he had everything straight, remembered dates…he always got it wrong. They paid for testing for him and shock-shock – he has ADHD! He is now on Adderall. He, like my youngest, is in awe of his new capacity to focus.
Now I have two kids that can’t focus!! But they are great kids. They are my children and I will fight for them until the day that I die.
Many people wondered why I pulled back from clients and took the position of editor at Search Engine Journal. The truth is I am emotionally exhausted and I can’t deal with “client drama”. I have enough drama at the moment. The only clients I work with now are “drama free”. 
I get up at 6:30 and I don’t stop until midnight or beyond. I work with clients, edit for SEJ, interact with the geeks on Twitter, I take care of my son, I am active in his schooling, I take care of the family stuff and when I have 5 minutes I go kiss a tiger or two. I don’t know what day it is most of the time, but I am sure at some point life will get easier.
At this moment I am thrilled to have what most people take for granted, a child that can go to school, do his work and be so proud of himself for getting a good grade.
If you haven’t heard from me in the last 6 months to a year and don’t know why, please scroll to the top and read again . To my lovely SEO’s, geeks and Twitter friends, if you ever think ADHD might be an issue for your kid please give me a call. You will need someone and I am here if you need me
Melissa,
You are not alone. Many of us – in particular with intelligent kids – have been down this road. Each case is unique. I will tell you that we tried the meds route for a stint and eventually our son said he preferred not to take them. He focuses where he chooses – makes 100′s and then doesn’t turn in homework so his averages are B’s and C’s with 100′s on test scores. Its very draining and disappointing. But we recognize that each kid is a unique gift and puzzle. Hang in there. It’s a marathon.